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The Unholy Scriptures of the Book of Renpocalypse
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Lord Dragonspyre Offline
The Horseman of Debauchery
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The Horseman of Debauchery

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The Unholy Scriptures of the Book of Renpocalypse
I looked, and, behold, the gate was opened to Faire: and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither, and I will show thee things which must be hereafter.

And immediately I was in the spirit of Ren: and, behold, a throne was set at the Royal Pavilion, and one sat on the throne.

And round about the throne were seats: and upon the seats I saw the varied Kings and Queens of the Realms sitting, clothed in royal raiment; and they had on their heads crowns of gold.

And from the side of the throne proceeded pipings and drummings and voices: and there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of Ren.

And before the throne there was a sea of grass like unto emerald: and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts.

And the first beast was like a manticore, and the second beast like a unicorn, and the third beast like a centaur, and the fourth beast was like a griffon.

The Kings and Queens kneel before him that sat on the throne, and pay homage to him that created Faire, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying,

Thou art worthy, O Ren, to receive glory and honor and power: for thou hast created all things Faire, and for the pleasure of all they are and were created.

And I saw in the right hand of him that sat on the throne a book written within and on the backside, sealed with seven seals.

And I saw a strong herald proclaiming with a loud voice, Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof?

And no man on Cast, nor Playtron, nor Mundane, was able to open the book, neither to look thereon.

And I wept much, because no man was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon.

And one of the elders sayeth unto me, Weep not: behold, the Phoenix of the tribe of Faire, the Root of Ren, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof.

And I beheld, and, lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Phoenix newly-risen as it had been burnt, having fiery wings and burning eyes, which are the Spirits of Faire sent forth into all the earth.

And he came and took the book out of the right hand of him that sat upon the throne.

And when he had taken the book, the Kings and Queens fell down before the Phoenix, having every one of them tankards, and golden vials full of incense, which are the prayers of Faire Owners.

And they sung a new song, saying, Thou art worthy to take the book, and to open the seals thereof: for thou were burnt, and hast redeemed us to Ren by thy pyre out of every kindred, and tongue, and people, and nation;

And hast made us unto Ren Kings and Queen: and we shall reign at the Faire.

And I beheld, and I heard the voice of many faeries round about the throne and the Royalty: and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands;

And every creature which is at Faire heard I saying, Blessing, and honor, and glory, and power, be unto him that sits upon the throne, and unto the Phoenix for ever and ever.

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.

And I saw, and beheld a white horse: and he that sat on him was Count Adolfo, and he had a rapier, and a crested helm was given unto him: and he went forth romancing, and to woo.

And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see.

And there went out another horse that was scarlet: and he that sat on him was Lord Jarhead, and he was given power to take sobriety from the earth, and that they should vomit upon one another: and there was given unto him a great tankard, and a couple of others strapped to the saddle, for Lord Jarhead was known to lose tankards from time to time.

And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him was Lord Dragonspyre, and he had a pair of panties and a bra upon a standard in his hand.

And I heard a voice in the midst of the breast-cups say, A measure of nookie for him, and three measures of nookie for each lady; and see that thou satisfy a lady a minimum of thrice before taking thy leave of her.

And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Ulfric, and Haughtiness followed with him, with Upturned Noses in tow, for the air with which he carried himself was rife with arrogance, and sneers of distaste did spill forth from his face.

And power was given unto them over the Ren, to cause mischief and mayhem with romance, and with drink, and with lust, and with haughtiness.

And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were ridiculed for the word of Ren, and for the testimony which they held:

And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Ren, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our ridicule on them that dwell in the Mundane World?

And on the day of the Feast of Saint Valentine, that day whence all romance springs, behold, the Four Horsemen sprang forth like a plague upon the earth, and none were spared the force of their might.

And lo the sound of bagpipes did attend the arrival of riders and the air was thick with the smells of sawdust and cooking meat.

And lo, the Horsemen brought with them a host of mortals having sworn allegiance to their cause, and they romanced, and they drank, and they lay with everyone, and they turned up their noses, and it was good.

And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood with the arrival of Babylon the Great;

And the Mundanes came forward gladly, knowing not that which would befall them, but blinded by their burning desire for Babylon. Yea, fathers, and sons, and brothers, and even Clay Aiken and Liberace did ride forth to hear Her siren song.

And at the last, their prayers went unanswered, but their flesh, which they had coveted, burned in the white-hot lust of Babylon. And yet they rejoiced, for Paradise they had found in laying with her, and they took joy even as their bodies were consumed.

And many cities and the towns and the villages were trampled and burnt under the relentless onslaught of the Horsemen and Babylon.

And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casts her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.

And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.

And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;

And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sits on the throne, and from the wrath of the Phoenix:

For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?

And after these things I saw the four Horsemen standing at the four corners of the earth, holding the clouds of the sky, that the rains should not fall upon the earth, nor on the sea, nor on any tree.

And I saw the one called Seamus Rumkiller ascending from the east, having the seal of the living Ren: and he cried with a loud voice to the four Horsemen, to whom it was given to hurt the Cities and the Towns,

Saying, Hurt not the Cities, neither the Towns, nor the Mundanes, till we have sealed the servants of Ren in their foreheads.

And I heard the number of them which were sealed: and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand of all the Rennies of the children of Ren.

Of the tribe of the Cast were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of the Pirates were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of the Blacksmiths were sealed twelve thousand.

Of the tribe of the Artisans were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of the Musicians were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of the Dancers were sealed twelve thousand.

Of the tribe of the Crafters were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of the Leatherworkers were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of the Chain Maillers were sealed twelve thousand.

Of the tribe of the Armorers were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of the Food Vendors were sealed twelve thousand. Of the tribe of the Jousters were sealed twelve thousand.

After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Phoenix, clothed in period finery, and tickets in their hands;

And cried with a loud voice, saying, Salvation to our Ren which sits upon the throne, and unto the Phoenix.

And all the faeries stood round about the throne, and about the Kings and Queens and the four beasts, and fell before the throne on their faces, and worshipped Ren,

Saying, Huzzah: Good tidings, and glory, and wisdom, and thanksgiving, and honor, and power, and might, be unto our Ren forever and ever. Huzzah!

And one of the Kings answered, saying unto me, What are these which are arrayed in period finery? and whence came they?

And I said unto him, Your Majesty, thou knowest. And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their clothes, and made them period in the fires of the Phoenix.

Therefore are they before the throne of Ren, and serve him day and night in his pavilion: and he that sits on the throne shall dwell among them.

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the fluorescents light on them, nor any mundane smell.

For the Phoenix which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of Loki: and Ren shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.

And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in Faire about the space of half an hour.

And I saw the seven-headed hydra which stood before Ren, upon its back which stood Babylon the Great; and to her were given seven trumpets.

And Count Adolfo came and stood at the altar, having a crested helm and rapier, with his Consort at his back; and there was given unto him much romance, that he should offer it with the prayers of all Rennies upon the golden altar which was before the throne.

And the sighs of the romance, which came with the prayers of the Rennies, ascended up before Ren out of Count Adolfo's hand.

The first trumpet sounded, and Count Adolfo took the crested helm, and filled it with unadulterated Romance, and cast it into the earth: and there was poetry, and roses, and singing, and wooing.

And then Count Adolfo, Horseman of Romance, rode into the fray, wooing the worthy, and basked in the glory of his Good Works, and took to his side several promising lads to teach them The Art of the Romance.

And Lord Jarhead came and stood at the altar, having bloodshot eyes and a pint in each hand, with numerous extra mugs at his back, his Consort keeping a wary eye upon them lest they get lost; and there was given unto him much booze, that he should offer it with the prayers of all Rennies upon the golden altar which was before the throne.

And the alcohol in the booze, which came with the prayers of the Rennies, ascended up before Ren out of Lord Jarhead's mugs.

The second trumpet sounded, and Lord Jarhead drank down both mugs, which refilled themselves, and rode onto the earth: and there were drinking games, and darts, and pub sings, and bar fights.

And Lord Jarhead, Horeseman of Inebriation, waded in and drank everyone under the table, so as to cause them to vomit forth their toenails from far too much alcohol.

And Lord Jarhead stood in the midst of the mortals as the hangovers took hold, saying unto them Thou art AMATEURS!!!

And Lord Dragonspyre came and stood at the altar, having a standard bearing a bra and panties, with his Consorts following him; and there was given unto him much Debauchery, that he should offer it with the prayers of all Rennies upon the golden altar which was before the throne.

And the pheromones of the debauchery, which came with the prayers of the Rennies, ascended up before Ren out of Lord Dragonspyre's hands.

The third trumpet sounded, and Lord Dragonspyre rode onto the earth: and there were wubbies, and leg ladders, and orgies.

And Lord Dragonspyre, Horseman of Debauchery, went forth and satisfied all the willing women repeatedly whilst his Consorts joined in, so as to cause the unsatisfied men to wail unto the heavens Why doth our looks fail us?!?!

And Lord Dragonspyre stood in the midst of them, saying unto the men Thou art UNWORTHY!!!

And Ulfric came and stood at the altar, with no cause to bridle his ego and with his Consort at his back; and there was given unto him much conceit, that he should offer it with the prayers of all Rennies upon the golden altar which was before the throne.

And the spirit of the haughtiness, which came with the prayers of the Rennies, ascended up before Ren and was coated with venom as was befitting the waste of time such trivial matters represent.

The fourth trumpet sounded, and Ulfric rode onto the earth: and saw the mundanes with their sad lives, and turned up his nose to them. “All the woe that has befallen you is of your own doing, why do you seek redress from us?”

And Ulfric, Horseman of Haughtiness went forth and laughed at the mundanes, so as to cause them to wail unto the heavens Why do we put up with this?!?!

And Ulfric stood in the midst of them, saying unto them I am better than ALL of thee!!!

And I beheld, and saw Seamus Rumkiller running through the midst of the crowds, two lipstick-clad sheep named Precious and Honey on a leash behind him, saying with a loud voice, Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabitants of the earth by reason of the other voices of the remaining trumpets, which are yet to sound! Now where’s the pub?

And lo, Seamus did enter the pub, and beheld the Horseman within, and he did stand before them, and beheld their mightiness, for they were betwixt him and the bar.

And they spoke as one, Seamus, we give unto you to ride before us, and herald our coming, and describe our works, and to revel in the misery of the mundanes. So put down that damned sheep, spread thy mirth before thee, and ready our coming!

And one by one, they arose, and smote him upon his forehead with the tokens of their offices, for they meant to imbue him with the spirit of Ren, and the spirit of each Rider, that he might take that Spirit to the Faires.

And when they finished, they gave him a great, frothing leather mug, and commanded him to drink, and he drank, with gladness. And at that time it was as if a great veil had been lifted from his eyes, for the mug had been filled with the spirit of Jack Burton, and it tasted of mimosa.

And the fifth trumpet sounded, and I saw Chuck Norris descend from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the gift of Beard.

And he parted the Beard; and there emerged another fist, as that of an angry god; and the unrepentant mundanes were battered by reason of the fist.

And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them, for Chuck Norris doth command it with the power of his Mighty Roundhouse Kick.

And one woe had past; and, behold, there came two woes more thereafter, being his legs, named Law and Order.

And the sixth trumpet sounded, and I heard a voice from the four beasts at the golden altar which is before Ren,

Saying to Babylon the Great which held the trumpet, Loose the jousters which are bound by the lake.

And the jousters were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to convert the unrepentant with clash of lance on shield.

And the number of the army of the jousters was two hundred thousand thousand: and I heard the number of them.

And thus I saw the horses in the vision, and them that sat on them, having breastplates of steel, and of gold, and paint: and the heads of the horses were clad in armor; and out of their mouths issued whinnies and steam.

By this were some repented, for the jousters’ power is in their showmanship, and in their speed, and their skill.

And the rest of the men repented not of the works of the mundane, that they should not worship cars, and TVs of plasma, and stereos, and the stock market, and computers, and designer clothes: which neither fit with garb, nor can be enjoyed in the presence of Ren, nor are period:

Neither repented they of their neon lights, nor of their prefab homes, nor of their frozen dinners, nor of their mundaneness.

And the seventh trumpet sounded, I saw a mighty dragon come down from heaven, clothed with scales: and horns upon his head, and his face was as it were the sun, and his breath as pillars of fire:

And he had in his hand a little book open: and he set his right foot upon the sea, and his left foot on the earth,

And cried with a loud voice, as when a lion roareth: and when he had cried, seven thunders uttered their voices.

And when the seven thunders had uttered their voices, I was about to write: and I heard the Phoenix saying unto me, Seal up those things which the seven thunders uttered, and write them not.

And the dragon which I saw stand upon the sea and upon the earth lifted up his wings to heaven,

And swear by him that liveth for ever and ever, who created Ren, and the things that therein are, and the earth, and the things that therein are, and the sea, and the things which are therein, that there should be time no longer:

But in the days of the voice of the dragon, when he shall begin to sound, the mystery of Ren should be finished, as he hath declared to his servants the prophets.

And the voice which I heard from heaven spake unto me again, and said, Go and take the little book which is open in the hand of the dragon which standeth upon the sea and upon the earth.

And I went unto the dragon, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take it, and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as mead.

And I took the little book out of the dragon's hand, and ate it up; and it was in my mouth sweet as mead: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter.

And he said unto me, Thou must prophesy again before many mundanes, and nations, and tongues, and kings.

And there was given me a staff likened unto a walking stick: and the dragon stood, saying, Rise, and measure the Pavilion of Ren, and the throne, and them that party therein.

But the Faire which is without the Pavilion leave out, and measure it not; for it is given unto the Mundanes: and the Faire shall they tread under foot forty and two months.

And I heard a loud voice saying in the Pavilion, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our Ren, and the power of the Phoenix: for the ridiculers of our brethren are cast down, which ridiculed them before our Ren day and night.

And they overcame them by the fires of the Phoenix and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.

Sarcasm... one of my many talents.

Corrupting Impressionable Youths Since 1976.

Save Santa a trip... Be naughty. Mischief

"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."
- Terry Pratchett
01-01-2011 01:55 AM
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[-] The following 1 user says Thank You to Lord Dragonspyre for this post:
Count Adolfo (01-01-2011)
Lady D'Arbanville Offline
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Post: #2
RE: The Unholy Scriptures of the Book of Renpocalypse
That was wonderful..thou brout tears to me eyes. Now I see why thou hast not been among us as of late. well done. Cheers :tip hat:


Privateer, First Lady of the Harbinger, IFRP #1205
Beer'n Penny of the The Clan O'Laohaire
Wench, IWG #3510, Local 21

Dance like no one's watching,
love like you'll never get hurt,
sing like no one's listening,
live like it's heaven on earth.
03-11-2011 05:56 AM
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